As I child I was told I could do anything I wanted.  I just had to believe, the power of a positive attitude. It is a lesson I never quite got. Self-doubt would creep in. What if they are wrong? What if I am not good enough? What if it is just self-delusion? I stopped myself from accomplishing some things I wanted to, thing I was capable of.

Now that I have ‘Buddy’ the stakes are higher, and I am starting to learn the lesson. It is not that I do not see possible negative outcomes. I do. It is that I refuse to settle for them. I want more than anything for ‘Buddy’ to surprise the Hell out of everyone, myself included. I want to believe that he will be the rare exception of his circumstances. He will survive, thrive, learn, grow, accomplish and live self-sustaining one day. But my dreams for him don’t stop there. In my best dreams he, is able to give back to society, to attend college, to have a family, to have a career, to live a full life.

I am not in denial. I have hope. And hope gives me drive. So I push, and push. I love him and I celebrate him. At the same time I know my time may be limited so I enjoy every moment I can. It is a dark gift to almost lose your child…repeatedly. It gives you deep appreciation. I am in awe of his strength, his sweetness, his determination, his smile. He is magic.

I feel a strange sense of balance…tension, between fear and hope. In the middle there is a humming energy created that I channel into finding answers. It is a powerful place to be, now… to find a way to stay here.

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